Questions??

Below you"ll see that I ramble on the topic of love, risk, patience. If you continue to read below I can only hope that you can possibly help me answer my questions. Truth is there is no sense living your life without this.  To make the journey and not fall deeply in LOVE - well, we haven't lived a life at all. We have to try. Because if we don't try, we haven't lived. 
  

Honestly.. I don't know what I've done or how it all began. The history I must spare you.

Questions: Do you think that not being able to be with someone makes us fall in love more with a person?  Surely we don't go through the ups and downs of a
relationship to test whether we are in love or not.  By love, I mean the
emotional kind, not the physical kind. Two bodies, one soul. 

My friends sometimes wonder why I can't find anyone to love. I've been in love before or so I thought. I know now there is a different kind of love one that gives you courage to be better then we are and that makes us think ANYTHING is possible. I've been holding out for this type of love for long time and I think I found it.  I deserve it.  How did I find him??

You see for me, I know what I feel inside when I talk to him, when I see his picture, or even when I think about him.  Question: of doubt though make me wonder if  this emotional feeling gets stronger because we are apart? 

I can tell you.. it's not selfish love. You know I saw the movie, "Waitress", and there is qoute from there that stuck with me that can help me describe what it is we have.

"I hope one day someone wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they want to do.They don't pull away, they don't look away, they don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you in their arms and hold you tight with out a ounce of selfishness to it".

You see it's a place I don't have to pretend, or think, I'm at peace..He's taught me how to trust myself...

And yet it seems so unfair..

"Unfair?", you may ask.. Well, it's timing.. I've gone away and come back. Time apart.. Lifes apart... Hearts apart... . U see its complicated. I've forgot my head and have been listening to my heart. Hard coming from a girl that believes "it's all or none".

I really feel I can't make any emotional comittment to any other man.  At least, I haven't so far.  Am I hoping that things change in the future and I may begin this enduring dance of LOVE. Yes, I'll admit this love has passion.Question:  If I don't start with that, what am I going to end up with?

How long will this continue - I really cannot say, which may not be the
right thing to do. Yes, I know..Question:.but how can I govern my heart??!! Maybe I'll get hurt.. but I'll get back. It's a risk. It's worth the waiting..

More questions:  Do we need to hear it from the other person that they will never be part of our future before we can "fall in love" with someone else?   Am I making sense? Part of me wishes this... just so it's over.. though it will never really be over. How can you end something that has not quite began? This would be selfish on my part and I might hurt him. Something I would never do. I won't lie either.

Yes, I know I'm getting older.

Thanks for any input you provide...We have gotten to the chapter on love yet in my Philosophy class. Maybe there is an answer there.

One thing so for sure is.. love is nearly an ability. and not a feeling.. There I have to agree with Dan...

Sincerly,

Atonement... are you hearing any heart?!! I am..